I'm about to get real with you.
This is a no judgment zone correct? I mean we’ve been friends for like 5 years or so – give or take – some of you longer, some of you less – some of you pop in when you want – some hang out all the time – some of you creepers only lurk and never tell me you’re there (i still love you anyways) – regardless – you pretty much know a LOT about me
…what you don’t know…is that for the past couple of months I've been in a MAJOR funk. like major.
I can’t get out of it – I've got some pretty good ideas of why – and I'm working to work on them (if that makes sense at all)
in the vainest way possible (because hey let’s be real – i love being honest) – I've put on over 30lbs over the past year. definitely not intentionally – but somehow it’s happened
probably between the increase in food intake, decrease in cardio, and some other things i think are going on with my body
it’s SO hard for me to get used to my new shape, my new size, the new me? is this me forever? either way –somewhere over the past couple of months i feel like I've lost a bit of my shine – i feel less confident, less sure of myself – I'm tired a LOT, I'm confused – and i feel a little lost
I’m not sure where this is stemming from – actually I can probably pinpoint some of it -- I’m sure the confidence has to do with the fact that it’s hard for me to want to get dressed in the morning when nothing seems to fit. I try and build this confidence by hitting the gym – but I've been struggling with motivation, energy & focus…
Some days it feels really hard to get out of bed, sometimes I get to the gym and a 20lb dumbbell feels REALLY heavy, some days i feel like i can lift heavy weights but the moment i step on a treadmill i feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest and my legs are going to give out, some days i try and push myself so hard and my heart rate stays at a negative zero, and then some days i feel great
There’s no rhyme or reason – my nutrition is on point – I’m eating good food – I’m nourishing my body. But am I?
Personally I just feel blah a lot of the time – I can’t figure out why. It’s like the opposite of spring fever.
on top of this all – i’ve been working like a madwoman to try and figure out what’s going on – i’ve been to doctors a million times around and around and around – OBGYNs, endos, etc etc and the only thing they can come up with is low estrogen levels. I’ve worked to decrease my activity – some days I barely feel like I do anything – I’ve gained the weight, put in the time, and yet still I cannot seem to get my period
The doctors all say I need to go on birth control to increase my estrogen – I don’t want to – but i feel like I need to give it a shot – my other option is to see a Naturopath – but they’re not covered by insurance and I don’t exactly have the extra cash on hand to spend
The scary part for me is IF I went on some form of estrogen – it doesn’t fix the problem does it? Do I live a life forever tired, forever feeling like my 27 year old body is now post-menopausal? That’s real. That’s freaking real. What if someday I find some guy who sees through my craziness and wants to have babies – does this mean I can’t? It’s scary – that’s real.
On top of everything I’m mad at myself – I’m mad at myself for being so vain, I’m mad at myself for getting to this point, I’m mad at myself for being a pity party, I’m mad at myself for being so stubborn, I’m mad at myself for always being so harsh on myself – well you get the point
I don’t know why I’m sharing any of this – mainly because I feel like some of you will understand, some will judge my vanity, some might offer some advice, some my criticize, some might silently judge, some might outwardly judge on other forums, whatever you do – just be easy on me – i’m already hard enough on myself
So anyways – thank you for understanding that my shining light is a little dim right now – I know it won’t last forever – I know I will overcome – it might take me a little while but I’ll get there – I’ll get my mojo back someday.
I’m just over it – over not feeling like me.
So there – I said it – I laid it all out there – you can see right through me – I’m okay with that. Sometimes – sometimes we have to let our walls down, show our weaknesses, try and not be too strong – try and let people in.
I think I’m in need of a rainbow cookie.
love to love you <3